Disappointments are to the soul what a thunder-storm is to the air. ~Johann Christoph Friedrich von Schiller
It's funny how we set ourselves up for the greatest of disappointments in life. Yet this seems to be my daily struggle. I share far too much here, yet without care, most chose to ignore... usually better that way. Lately I feel so alone. In the matter of a week, I am managing to lose custody of my children, and hold the fear that I don't know when I'll get to see their precious faces again, and hope more than anything that they do not hate me and feel abandoned. I have had a friendship with someone come to an end, probably my closest friend in the last eight years, I can not deal with it anymore. Even here in a land of text met someone that I thought I could connect with, but like here, through status updates and daily notes I share far too much of myself, and fuck that up as well. Is it wrong to want more out of life? To wish more than anything that day after day solitude doesn't have to follow you? I'm at my wits end and just ready to give up. Some hate the drama of these updates. So most choose to ignore, forget, or delete. I don't blame them. It's easy to become pathetic in your own wants, desires, and dreams. I'm just ready to give up on everything. I can't handle this anymore. I want something that I can't seem to grasp, I have aspirations for my future, things that I want accomplished... yet I manage to fuck them all up. I went from a house of five to a house of none, seeing how despondent I have become. Friends appear like characters on a tv show, to stay for an act, utter a few catch phrases and disappear exit stage left. Love and relationships, end in tragedy, like a sick, twisted, fucked up tv movie of the week. Friendships diminish as you realize you only had common bonds in the past and there is nothing there to hold you connected except the blunt and a few hobbies you share. When I even manage to see light at the end, and feel better about the day, I manage to bring up fucked up shit from my past, thinking it's rather okay to share. Instead, when someone barely knows you wonders how you can lay so much out before them, they bail. Call it trust, a desire to unburden, and hope that someone understands and feels connected by your words. I'm a fool. In all honesty the more I speak, the more I type I realize it. I want what I can't have, because I'm too unhappy with how life has turned out. Well make the difference, grasp hold of life, make that change... I hear it daily from friends I only know as text on a screen. Well what happens when you have lost the motivation, just don't give a fuck anymore? I know if I died tomorrow my epitaph would simply read... Here lies wasted potential. Anyway I don't need negative connotations left, I'll honestly ignore and delete them. As well as holy scripture of how praying will save me, remember I'm an atheist, and I could 'blog' an entire book on the subject. It would just be nice to know that I'm not alone in my pain. And for someone to understand why I was trying to reach out. I'm going back to sleep and hope I never have to awaken.
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