Progress Can't Take Our Memories

With the closings of borders and bookstores going the way of the record store I can't help but remember the past. Remember blowing on nes carts, bulky walkmans, the scream of the modem connecting to the internet. It may be progress but I'll always have the memories.

Feign Friday #1 (Conspiracy Theories That Should Exist):

Carl Sagan was really sent to a militant base on Mars after making first contact. The government feared widespread panic and banished him to the red planet indefinitely.

poetry project #10: easily forgettable

once i walked too close to the edge of the sidewalk
the faint sound of footsteps in the night air
the light halo the moon gave my shadow

i could feel the wind beneath my soul
as i stepped off the earth

i descended into the depths of confinement
as my vitality transcended into the darkness
torn apart from the emptiness

i became aware that i had never really lived
but mourned a life that i had taken advantage of

somehow in the nocturnal breeze
as i began to fade into obscurity
i felt easily forgettable

poetry project #9: 深夜の幻想 (late night reveries)

sometimes late at night

when i can't sleep

i like to imagine you

next to me

the warmth of your soft skin

at my fingertips

the faint glow from the television

as it illuminates your body

and the comfort of your eyes

looking back at me

that look alone

can settle my heart

and melt my soul

late at night

when i think i'm alone

you're still with me

it's funny

the things we take for granted

yet any second with you

is something i treasure

more than you realize

if only you were really here

i know i'd sleep in peace

instead of the long nights

with my eyes wide shut

imagining you here

life's contradiction

Sorrow - Life's Contradiction by Sorrow

sedated with darkness

Sorrow - Sedated with Darkness by Sorrow

when the comfort of being alone wears thin [11/30/2010]

i remember in college, after my first room mate moved out, how i felt absolute freedom. how growing up i had mostly kept to myself, and approaching the path to adulthood i knew that i just wanted to be alone with my thoughts, and to not worry about the pressure from others around me. sure i had friends growing up, though i know i was mostly silent. i was a conscientious observer. i silently watched others enjoying their time, and i sat alone, watching from the outside writing in my head. i'm sure there have been a number of poems, songs, and stories that have eluded me over the years. yet i was always too afraid to get close. maybe i knew when i pulled someone in too far that something would happen. i don't deal with change very well. i guess most people don't, but for me change seemed to be as if i woke up and found that the world had morphed into a cube and the sky had become red with hellfire. maybe i over exaggerate. but i guess change for anyone has been hard. so i found solace in my thoughts, in art, in writing... really any medium rather than sharing my thoughts with others. i didn't have any siblings in the house growing up, i wasn't allowed to have many friends over, if any few at best. so i guess i learned to rely on myself more than anyone. i'm not saying solitude was all that great. as i reflect i realize how lonely of a person i was within. maybe it was the fear of being to close and being hurt, left, or even abandoned. so when i had a first relationship, and found that i could open up to someone, share my thoughts with them... it became my world. maybe not the relationship itself. in the long run that didn't work, and i was hurt in the long run. but realized that i didn't always have to bottle everything up, and deal with it myself. perhaps it was nice to just have an ear to listen. after being hurt a few times, and growing older, i found that living alone was far easier. i could allow someone to enter stage left for a few hours, have a few laughs, find romance... but in the end i could exit them stage right, and that was the end, i was left to reflect on my own thoughts. for some reason i really enjoyed being alone as depressing as that may sound to most. but i also lived a life of depression that was far greater than someone on the outside could understand. so i guess at that point being two thousand miles away from family and friends, i had time to reflect on life, take hikes, go out to eat, sit by candle light and write cheesy poetry. in the long run though i felt something missing. maybe as you get older and get more involved with relationships you take for granted having someone objective give advice and still have the feeling of comfort and realization that you don't have to be alone in life you can share your thoughts and feelings with someone else. as i've grown older i've made plenty of mistakes with relationships. my exwife alone is a prime example. we shared too many of the same qualities, which also lead to our downfall, we thought alike and at times butted heads like rams. perhaps i just wanted someone that was in that dark place as i to share in the moment. though not everything was meant to last. i'm not saying i didn't care for her, but we wanted too far different out of life. i'm a quiet person, a fun night for me is watching a bad movie, having a few drinks, and having a great conversation. i guess i felt that all the partying was out of me, and since i had lived a pretty secluded life, that perhaps someone else could share in the same with me. ten years later, three major relationships down the shitter, i reflect on how much a mistake that was. and how selfish it was to not want to give into others desires, but rather keep leading the simple secluded live i endeared. part of growing older is gaining wisdom from past mistakes. i jumped fast into most relationships, because as secluded as i chose to be, it was a rarity to find someone that wished to settle down. funny, when i say for the good part of ten years i've yet to approach a woman in public, sure i've been flirted with... which i never quite know how to react to. but in text, on a single screen, i could lay myself out before someone. let them into the world that i keep locked away. not my home, or even my heart, but where the thoughts flow faster than water. in text i could find a voice that i didn't have in public. so relationships came and went all because of this device i'm sitting at now. you may be surprised that there others out there like this. you can make friendships, find sex if that's what you so desire, or even a relationship can spawn from late night conversations. go figure, in the real world i had tried this, and failed miserably. but in text, it didn't matter how i was on a first impression, i didn't have to worry about not meeting their expectations. i didn't have to worry if a woman thought i was unattractive, or boring... here i could make an impression that far exceeded what they wanted in real life. though i found ways to manipulate it to my advantage. sex is the easiest to find in any form. sex is in a public bar sitting on a stool, lonely lost in the bottom of bottle heartbroken, just as sex is a tear ridden woman hurt for the millionth time chatting away her emotions in a text box. but i guess sex was never really the issue, whether i picked up a girl at a party, or online, i knew the way to read her. i knew the broken signs to look for, after all, who better to read signs of advantage than someone that has been broken themselves. but in the long run it fulfills a momentary desire, and the truly conscious feel bad for the actions they took, not wanting to give false hope to someone else. maybe it was a defense mechanism, i get dumped on and cheated in most relationships so i take advantage of what i can find. not caring whose emotions i run over. all in all it comes back to being alone. feeding a desire is the easy part. pushing yourself to get up to work, takes more work, but it's still the easy part. but how is that no matter how well the day went, even how great the night has been in someone's company, that falling asleep alone is the hardest part. before, when i was young, without a care in the world, i wouldn't have understood this. i was used to being alone. i thought i was all i ever needed. but ten years of relationships, despite how few or many there have been, i realize that even though i enjoy some time alone, it's not what makes me content anymore. it's amazing that i can spend my time in the company of someone i find attractive, that i can share words, a glass of wine, or even just have someone to relfect on a movie with and have a descent conversation; but when the night comes to an end and the people exit your life like a play and your left alone, how truly alone you really feel. now i thought that's what i wanted, right. i have those enter and exit at my whim, and spend my time to myself to contemplate life. that's not a life. it's more like a countdown to death, as you watch the clock idely passing time, and you with no one around you. i really don't think much of this would bother me, you wake up go to work surround yourself with others, go to a friends have a beer and talk, watch a fight on tv. but when i go home at night. laying in an empty bed with only a pillow to hold close, i realize that my wants in my childhood, or no longer what i want as i see myself growing older. maybe i'm not that old yet. but envy those that have someone in their arms for ten years or longer or fewer. i realize the mistakes i've made in my past. how i didn't really make the relationships work, or give them much a chance, or worse yet those that seemed to really care i pushed away in fear. because now when i have someone i know my emotions run deep for, i probably seem like a needy leech, because i hold on for dear life and hate seeing them leave my home. it's nothing selfish, maybe it's an ocd i've grown over the years, but who doesn't want love? who doesn't want someone to hold all night, and better yet to have someone wake in your arms in the morning. i took so much for granted in the past, but damned if i wouldn't do things different with the wisdom i've gained over the years. it's not about a want, or a need at this point of my life, but simply what i do have to offer. funny when i was a kid, i was happy enough with a teddy bear, now in my old age it's been replaced with a pillow... and it just doesn't have the same comfort of the sweet smelling warm skin i can hold under arms at night. i find it strange that i can bring tears to someones eyes in the comfort of a moment, holding them close, feeling their skin pressed against my lips. but alone at night the tears that run down face aren't of joy and ecstasy but a longing for that moment once more. damn i think too much. so what can be said, the comfort of being alone has worn thin, i have learned from my past, and i carry on. i carry on for that moment when my heart feels complete, and the tears i wipe away are those joy not sadness. to all i bid you goodnight, and remember to hold on to what you have, in the best or worst of times, life gets hard for us all... but imagine a life without that loved one by your side at night.